you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
