I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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