I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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