I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
