her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
