Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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