Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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