in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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