have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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