Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
