True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
