Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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