I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
