After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
