about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
