At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
