Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
