I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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