his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
