if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
