My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
