So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
