i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
