not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
