He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
