how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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