I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
