I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
