this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
