im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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