somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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