I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
