you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
