pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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