So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
