the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
