Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
