I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
