Your face is a jimmy john
I faked an abortion last night.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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