i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
