Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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