Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
