I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
