Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
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You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
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It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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