I hate your face
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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