I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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