I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
