did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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