You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
