TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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