So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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