He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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