My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
