the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
