I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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