I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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