i'm signing you up for texting rehab
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
